http://ruthwaits4boaz.blogspot.com/2013/09/in-his-chambers.html?spref=fb&m=1

http://distinctivefemale.blogspot.com/2013/09/single-but-committed.html?m=1

He's Able

He's ABLE!!! 

I know He's ABLE!

I know my Lord is able to 

Carry. Me. Through.

He heals the brokenhearted

And he sets the captives free.

He makes the lame to walk again.

And he causes the blind to see.

He's Able. He's Able. I know He's Able.

To 

Carry.Me.Through.

Amen. #Jesus

 

 

The girl with the rose. She reminds me of me. In my testimony I mentioned that I grew up with depression, and I struggled with it constantly all the while growing up in a Christian home with Christian values. So why was I not delivered from it? Why did I constantly live with it? Because my hope was not in Christ. It was lost in the darkness of my home. I cannot tell you how many countless psychological books I read that told you how to overcome it. NOT ONE BOOK SAVED ME FROM IT. Why? BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WAS THE ANSWER.  So why is it that the Bible did not save me from it if I read here & there & supposedly it can change lives? Because my heart wasn't in it. I was checking it off my to-do list, and it was purely KNOWLEDGE. It fed my pride of how much I knew, and how many Scriptures I was able to quote.
"Pure religion & undefiled before the Father & God is this, To visit the fatherless & widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27. The Bible isn't so you can increase in your knowledge. It's supposed to be to help those who are HURTING. Who are STRUGGLING. Who NEED HOPE.  So people can SEE LOVE which is what is missing in today's world. WE NEED FAITH, HOPE, & CHARITY. "...But the greatest of these is CHARITY. I Corinthians 13:13. Why is charity the greatest out of all of these? Because it takes great FAITH & HOPE in Christ to love people who are HARD TO LOVE. Matthew 5:43-48 "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you LOVE YOUR ENEMIES, BLESS THEM THAT CURSE YOU, DO GOOD to them that HATE YOU, and PRAY FOR THEM WHICH DESPITEFULLY USE YOU and PERSECUTE YOU; That ye may be the children of the Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil & the good, and sendeth rain on the just & the unjust." Why does it take great faith to love?  Hmm. Try loving a person that got under your skin. Or said some things behind your back that were unkind. Or that just plain ignores you, makes fun of you, mocks you, belittles you, and curses you, your future, and your plans. Try loving that person in your own power. Ya. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  The reason we love is because of God's GREAT LOVE FOR US. Because He loved us when WE TREATED HIM THAT WAY. "But God commendeth His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8. Remember how you were to God in your own sins towards Him. If you want Him to forgive as quickly and as easily as He forgave you, FORGIVE> "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." Mark 11:25. If God blotted out our sins because of His Son, "I have blotted out as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud thy sins: return unto me: for I have redeemed thee." Isaiah 44:22, then who are we to hold anything against anyone? We're hoping & trusting that God will handle the situation and the person that hurt us. It is not in our hands to handle or control. The greatest test of your faith is in how you love. It is not easy to pray for a person who offended you, hurt you, constantly said unkind things to you. NOT EASY.  Romans 12:19, "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written: Vengeance is mine, I will repay saith the Lord." As you began to pray for them, God can begin to do the work in your heart that He wants to do. "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh." Ezekial 36:26.

You have to LET GOOOO & LET GOD.  Because..."blessed is the man that FEARETH THE LORD that DELIGHTETH GREATLY in HIS COMMANDMENTS." Psalm 112:1b One of His commandments is to FORGIVE. Everything happens for a reason. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. If God has promised good to you, HE HAS ALLOWED that evil for a purpose. It might even be a test. May we pass it with flying colors. "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse tempations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect & entire, wanting nothing." James 1:2-4. Are you trusting that God is using that difficult circumstance, person, or situation for YOUR GOOD? He might even be teaching you how to LOVE LIKE HE DOES. Goodness knows, I wonder how God continue to love someone like me with so many insecurities, and so many hidden issues I've had to work through. GOD IS AMAZING. He might even be using all of that to keep your eyes on HIM. "Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2. You are supposed to look to the ONE that walked on water. Sometimes I am like Peter. "And Peter answered Him, and said, "Lord if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And He said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when He saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, He cried, Lord save me. And IMMEDIATELY Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught him, and said unto Him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Matthew 14:28-31. How many times do we take our timid little steps of faith to love, forgive, believe, trust & then we look around us and we allow the GIANTS & FEAR, RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS to overcome us?

So what does forgiveness have to do with depression? Because depression was really just a LOT OF STORED ANGER in my heart towards my mom. The secret life we had. IT WAS ANGER AT GOD. How could a God that was good have ALLOWED ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR FAMILY? WHY???  It was resentment, bitterness. We had given our lives in service to God, and this was the payback we had gotten???!!! Why? Where was the power of God in that? Where was the redemption, forgiveness, love, and peace that the Bible talks about not displayed in our family?? The depression was already there also, because those emotions and feelings were in my mom's heart already during the time she was expecting me. It was really two broken people in a marriage that needed God's love to heal & restore our family. Hurt people HURT PEOPLE. That's just the vicious cycle in life. It's not until we recieve the mercy & love of God's grace. Because my mother was not able to love because she came from a broken place in her life due to a miserable marriage & lonely childhood (unfortunately) she hurt me too. She didn't want a relationship with me. She lashed out at me. I understood why, but it still did not keep me from hating her at times. I couldn't seem to forgive. I couldn't seem to let go. She cursed my future. But not because she hated me. She just had a hard time loving. She was a hurt person too. I know I've hurt people out of my own pain. Not because I intentionally chose to do so, but because I was too broken to love. I'm amazed at how she was able to raise us with the emotional toll of her marriage on her shoulders. Only God knows why He allowed that in my life. I know it's because in the end, JESUS IS THE ANSWER. God can take your ashes for BEAUTY. "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called tress of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3. Believe me, this is not a story I want to tell. It is something I'd rather hide. But He has been healing me slowly but surely and if this can help someone else through their own misery, I hope God can use it. I have chosen to forgive my mother, and know that God will bless me for it because His Word has promised to. "Blessed are they that keep His testimonies, and that SEEK HIM WITH THE WHOLE HEART." Psalm 119:2 "I know, O Lord, that thy judgements are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me." Psalm 119:75. David wrote this verse inspired by God. The man who was pursued by SAUL. David did not do anything wrong, and yet he spent most of his time fleeing from Saul, and being afflicted by Saul. And yet when Saul died, "Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him: and they mourned, and wept, and fastened until even, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the Lord, and for the house of Israel; because they were fallen by the sword." 2 Samuel 1:11-12. David was called a man after God's own heart. He chose to forgive the man that had spent most of his time pursuing after David to kill him out of his own jealousy and because he was threatened by David. "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalms 34:18. David knew what it was to be broken, to be hurt. And yet he still chose to mourn over the man that thought nothing but evil towards him. 

So I went to every shrink. Every book that told me the psychologist had the answer. I pulled out every book I could and yet I didn't find the solution, the answer. The Bible had no power over me. But then I decided to the 90 day reading plan and read the Bible STRAIGHT THROUGH. Without pulling out commentaries, other books to accompany it. I just simply read my "Life Application" Bible as a love letter. When you get that email, text, letter from that person you really care about, you devour it. You don't analyze it, set it aside and wait to read it later. You pull it out with excitement and joy and you just DEVOUR IT!!! ;) 

When You Read the Bible Through

I supposed I knew my Bible,

Reading piecemeal, hit or miss, 

Now a bit of John or Matthew, 

Now a snatch of Genesis, Certain chapter of Isaiah,

Certain Psalm (the twenty-third),

Twelfth of Romans, First of Proverbs - 

Yes, I thought I knew the Word!

But I find that thorough reading

Was a different thing to do

And the way was unfamiliar

When I read the Bible through.

You who like to play at Bible, 

Dip and dabble, here and there, 

Just before you kneel, aweary,

And yawn through hurried prayer;

You who treat the Crown of Writings - 

Just a paragraph disjointed,

Just a crude, impatient look - 

Try a worthier procedure; 

Try a broad and stead view. 

You will kneel in VERY RAPTURE

WHEN YOU READ THE BIBLE THROUGH.

Amos Wells

When I started to read the Bible through the story of God's REDEMPTION, GRACE, GREAT MERCY & LOVE TOWARDS US began to jump out at me in every story. That was the main theme. Everything pointed to God. God was ALL POWERFUL. HE WAS ABLE! THE GOD WHO TOOK THE ISREALITES THROUGH THE RED SEA WOULD CARRY ME THROUGH TOO!!! He used what was an obstacle as WALLS, HE USED IT FOR THEM!! God can use what is against me too!!!! I began to read it and write all over my Bible, flag the pages that I wanted to remember and seems like almost every page has a flag on it!!!!!! God used every single story, every single event. WOW. READ THE BIBLE THROUGH AND DEVOUR IT AND SEE WHAT IT WILL DO FOR YOU.

I read it through and I began to get a strange inkling of HOPE in my heart again. I started reading the Bible consistently, and started praying & begging God to get me out of my pit. When I would describe my depression to my friends, I would give them an analogy of how it felt. It felt like I was in a very deep well, a black pit. Everyone at the top of the well, is looking down on you, giving you advice and instructions on how to get out, how to change your perspective, and some even reach down and try to help you out, but their strength isn't enough and either they give up or eventually they get pulled down with you. You try to climb out of that pit and you cannot. You do not have the strength, because then Satan's lies start to creep in. "You aren't good enough. You don't have the strength to get out. You don't deserve to get out. You deserve this pit your in. It's your own fault. Just give up. Your taking up space. Nobody wants you. See? They are all giving up on you." Then I remember seeing a quote by Corrie Ten Boom, "There is no pit so deep, that GOD IS NOT DEEPER STILL." Whew. How true that is. So I turned to God. The Bible. And I found out how true that is.

Like Hugo Cabret said in the Hugo movie: "Everything has a purpose, clocks tell you the time, trains takes you to places. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

Maybe a secular standpoint, but he was close. God made you. He knows how humans work. He made you exactly as you are today. "I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:14. God made you. He knows how to fix what's broken in you. He knows how to make you whole again. 

One Sunday morning, after staying in God's Word consistently, I woke up without the alarm, which if you know me, you know I have three alarm clocks sitting in various places in my room, because I'll just hit the snooze button several times or roll over & ignore it until somebody gets mad. (The person in the next room) :). That JUST NEVER HAPPENS RANDOMLY. I was impressed to get up & pray. Pray over my depression. Pray that God would free from it. That God would deliver me from it. That God would speak DIRECTLY TO ME in the message that would be presented that morning. AND HE DID. BOY HE DID.

Bro. Marlon Mosley preached over Genesis 21:9. His title was "What Aileth Thee?" The following is what I wrote in my sermon journal:

"Hagar was a victim - She had been a loyal handmaiden and did not ask to be the bearer of Abraham's child. Things didn't look too well - she doesn't know what to do or where she's going after he sends her out of the house. So she sat down & cried. Circumstances are worse than before. Have you been there? God showed up at that time and said, "What's wrong with you, woman?" She was the innocent victim. He could see her situation but He also saw what she needed to see. Hagar had a witness of Abraham. She had been with them 15-16 years. She was in the house of the faithful, a champion for God. She had the benefit of being in that house. She knew what obeying in God & what trusting in God could do for her. We don't have an excuse to sit down and cry because we have a God Who has been faithful to take care of their needs. Hagar had a witness, she had seen that. Not only that, but shew knew about Abraham's God from what she had seen. Genesis 16:6-11. Here's Hagar, she ran off - He said, "Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence comest thou?" She had the promise of God to go on. So do you & I. You don't have to go on hearsay - you can go to the Word of God - we have the promise of God - we can trust in it. We say we believe it, then why are you sitting over there crying? You know you can trust it.

Hagar had the promise of God her son was gonna be a man. Her problem is not with God, but it was her own will. He has given a promise - we cry and choose to forget the promises of God. We have the Word of God. Am I willing to believe what He has spoken to me or am I gonna sit there moaning & crying about my troubles?

You can go over & cry or YOU CAN TRUST GOD.

God showed up for Hagar. "What aileth thee?"

You want to sit there and cry and say it looks hopeless - God told Hagar and said, "Get up I'm gonna make him a great nation." (her son)

She got up - God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.

The hassle is NOT WITH GOD it is with your will.

Just as God had a well for Hagar, He has a well for you.

If she had not believed God, she would have not seen the well.

Sometimes you have to get up and look for the well. The well had been there the whole time but she hadn't seen it.

When your discouraged, depressed, you walk DEFEATED. She's tired, he's tired (son), "Man what are we gonna do?"

We miss those things BECAUSE WE ARE NOT LOOKING FOR IT.

God's got more than one well. He cares just as much for you as HE DOES FOR HAGAR.

He can take care of you, He can provide for you. The well may be a well with limited cash resources BUT God will take care of you. It may provide for your physical needs. He's got a well for you, and it will never run dry. God wants to supply your need. Our problem with us is we never see anything but our problems.

There's a God in Heaven, and I believe He's got a way - I believe He cares about you too. Get UP AND START LOOKING FOR THE WELL.

You check it out - Hagar didn't offer God any prayer when she left the house.

She just went - everything ran out - she sat down & cried - WHY DON'T YOU PRAY THEN?

"I'm going through a difficult time." LOOK FOR THE WELL. Are you lost without Jesus Christ? Can I point you in the direction of the Saviour? He died for us - there's a well of forgiveness, and a crimson fountain.

Christian - you are hurting, you've been wounded, I've lost my last friend, nobody cares. Disappointed, disillusioned, desperate. Quit crying, come to Him. "What's wrong with you?" GET UP. THERE'S HELP AVAILABLE."

Coincidence you say? I THINK NOT. There is no such think as coincidence in God's Kingdom. He has perfect timing. God knows every tear you cry. "Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" Psalm 56:8

I went up to the altar knowing GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYER. He delivered me from the dark depths of depression through that sermon. Because I realized God had heard my prayer. He knew what I was going through. I was not alone. God can and will do the same for you. Praise Jesus! As Isaiah said in Chapter 61:1, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty unto the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;"

Turn it over to Him. That is the only way you can be healed. He knows how to fix your brokenheart. Nothing and nobody else will be able to do that. #Jesus

God Speaking

I know what it is like to be the tormented soul. To feel alone, depressed, anxious, worried, fearful, weak, defeated, unloved, rejected, unwanted, and overwhelmed by the situations I faced with my family.  All this while I was raised in a Christian home, and raised with Christian values.  I hear too many stories about those who were raised in Christian homes but lived like the devil once they left the constraints of their home. Why does this happen so often? Here's my testimony. Here's what lies I lived by & believed. It's been many years of living this way, even with supposedly "Christ" in my life. I didn't know what victory in Christ meant. What "being more than a conqueror" meant. I didn't know what "abiding in Christ" looked like.  I didn't know why I felt unfulfilled & dissatisfied. Why I felt so empty. Why sometimes I felt like Matthew 23:27 applied to me. "Woe unto you, scribes & Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto white sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness." On the outside I had all the pat answers. Ya know. "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ & thou shalt be saved." "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whosoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life." I memorized chapters of the Bible here and there. I knew there were 66 books in the Bible. I knew reading Proverbs every day for each month was a good thing to do because it was full of wisdom. I knew how to sit still & listen to all the sermons. I had many verses memorized that I was taught through the Christian learning center I attended all my life. I knew how to lead someone through the Romans Road to salvation by reciting through rote memory the Bible verses that were important. I knew God was real. Because the Bible told me so. Because my parents told me so. Because my church told me so. Because my teachers told me so. Because my school told me so. Because testimonies of missionaries told me so. Because I saw good & love in these people that told me so. So I accepted what they told me and I believed it. I believed there was a God. I believed the Bible. That it was God's love letter to us. I accepted & believed it because they told me so. I read the Bible here & there & everywhere. Prayed once in a while. Ya know right before that test you were sweating bullets for. Or right before you had to face a testy situation with your friend. Or maybe when you just wanted something to go right in my life. Spurts of prayer and piecemeal of the Bible. 

But then there was my homelife. The secret life. The life of broken promises, hurt, anger, misery, bitterness, hopelessness. The life where there was constant turmoil between my parents. Constant anger & vicious fights. I doubted God because of that. I doubted the Bible because of that. I doubted how the Bible could play a part in "real life." It seemed like it was more pie in the sky for theologians, religious people, people who already had their lives together, had a great family, and were already happy. It didn't seem like the Bible was made for people who were hurting, who didn't have answers, who were just plain miserable, and for situations that seemed hopeless & didn't change. I saw the depression in my mother, and I knew at the time she was expecting me, she was in the depths of depression. I really believe the state the mother is in during her pregnancy is passed on to the child in her womb.  I remember seeing baby pictures of myself and I saw no expression on my face, no smile, no joy.  Just a blank expression. A sad, empty expression. I believe I grew up with depression. I dealt with it on an everyday basis and my misery followed me everywhere and affected all my relationships and my outlook on life. Depression is closely linked with fear. I was extremely, extremely shy which led me to be misunderstood all sorts of ways in my relationships. I was called mean, ugly, goody-two-shoes, too nice, etc. I failed in all my relationships, and I never felt validated. As a person. 

I went through church rituals rote. Sunday School. Sunday morning service. Sunday night service. Wednesday service. Do it all over again every week. There were times I "gave my life to Christ" only because I was worried that if I didn't, people would start talking about how the "preacher's kid" still hadn't given her life to Christ. It was all for people. Not because I thought I needed any type of saving grace. I was a good kid. Great kid in fact. Goody-two-shoes kid. Momma's girl Kid. Teacher's pet. I did everything they wanted me to do. I did everything they asked. I willingly obeyed. Only because I saw what happened when you DIDN'T OBEY. You saw the belt come out.  And, boy, I did not want that kind of pain in my life. 

So I did what they asked me to do. People were my god. I lived by their approval and died by their criticism. God just didn't fulfill me. He just wasn't enough. I was even ashamed to tell people I was a Christian or to proclaim the name of Jesus, because what if they knew what really went on my heart, then how could I shame the name of Jesus so? How could I convince people to believe in a powerful God for their lives when I couldn't believe Him for mine?  

I lived in a prison of negative emotions, depression, stored anger, sadness, tears that no one saw. I was dead inside. I didn't have anything alive in me.  Then I met this young woman who I became really great friends with at my place of employment who talked about God like He was her Best Friend. She was the most loving, compassionate, caring person I had met.  I believe God sent her into my life to show me what Christ's love looked like. She pursued a relationship with me. She said, "Tell God your problems as if you are talking to me right now." She constantly pointed me to Christ. She showed me that God was real through her testimony of answered prayer & experiencing God's voice & His presence. That was so radically different than what I understood. She was all LOVE, JOY, PEACE. The fruits of the Holy Spirit. Then. I met this guy. He pursued me. He wanted me. He cared about me. He sent me long letters proclaiming how fascinated he was with me. He loved spending time with me. He loved having me around. He liked me. He wanted to get to know everything about me. He liked me even more. He chatted DAILY with me. He expressed his desire for me. He texted me consistently, messaged me on facebook, emailed me on gmail, and we spent every single weekend together. 3 months straight. This is EVERY DAY.  He filled my life everyday. And for the first time...I had an inkling of hope & a strange feeling of LOVE in my heart that I did not nor had not felt for anyone else up until that point. Not even for my family. Where I connected with someone who actually WANTED to spend time with me. Who I almost saw as a father figure. The only problem was... he didn't have Christ in his life. Well, big problem at the beginning, but I started to slip in my standards because I really liked this guy. Wait, no I think I more than liked him. Because this time, I loved talking to him. Spending time with him. Sending him long emails with "I LOVE YOU" stamped on it. Not literally, but basically. I was IN HEART with him. WOW. Somebody liked me & we connected on such a deep level (or so I thought) that I had never felt that with anybody else. But then the more I got to know him, the more I realized this handsome, attractive, charming guy also had other girls that kinda thought the same thing...and he entertained them too. BUT he constantly reassured me that it was only me he wanted, no one else. Those girls were just his friends, ya know acquaintances. But the best times he had were with me. That's what he would always tell me. Then he would say, but I'm still young & I want to sow my wild oats. Then I'll get serious about you. Right now I just want to "date." I want to get to know people. But you are the best one out of all of them.  I like you "just the way you are."  Then I would just get the sense that he was hiding stuff from me about other girls. But I still believed his promises. That he would love me always & forever. That he cared about me. That he missed me. That he "luved" me. Then towards the end, I found out my senses were right. He had been unfaithful. Not just emotionally. Physically too. To a virgin girl that was a HUGE deal. Especially the fact that I used to be a preacher's kid. I had been sheltered most of my life growing up. To see the worldly values of this life in my face, and no guilt or regret. Wow. The difference is obvious. The Bible is right about being unequally yoked in the end. God taught me a huge lesson in that. But what I also realized he taught me is that He revealed to me that all this time where I was hurt, broken, rejected, suffering, crying, heartache, sad, cheated on, felt like I was not enough....that's how I was making Jesus feel with my own actions in my relationship with Him. I would tell him, "Oh yes Jesus I love you" then turn around and worship people, try to find fulfillment, ignore Him, treat Him second best, pass time with Him with tv, other friends, other things, and  see God every weekend at church, spend time with His people, and know that He made my life better. I didn't want Him to leave. I wanted Him in my life, but I also wanted those other gods too. I was the cheater. I was unfaithful. I broke His heart. I was playing the field. I was seeing what else was out there. I wanted to sow my wild oats before I settled down to a life of commitment to Jesus. I didn't want to be tied down to church, to the Bible, to the boring stuff that I was so used to. I wanted to have fun too. I was the one worshiping other idols before Him. I remember there was one night that was particularly hard for me. Before I found out about his unfaithfulness, my ex had given me a very expensive ipod as a Christmas gift. I never once was that type of girl to need music to be able to sleep. But since it all ended, I could not sleep without it. This one night, I was crying. I asked Jesus to help me go to sleep. I asked Him to embrace & hold me that night. I fell asleep very quickly & I felt very comforted that night. I woke up out of the blue that night. This song started playing from the very beginning. I woke up for the beginning of this song. This is what the lyrics said by Tenth Avenue North, a music ministry dedicated to proclaiming Jesus. 

                                              Love, I have waited for you 

And love, I was wounded for you 

Won't you look into my eyes 

Through the pain and through your pride 

And find I am true 

You're the one I can't deny 

And I'll never leave your side 

I gave my life for you 

So what are you waiting for? 

On and on we go 

Come love take my hand 

On and on we go 

Time and time again 

On and on we go 

Back to where this all began 

Come love take my hand 

Life is waiting for you 

And life I have given to you 

Tell me what else can I do 

What more have I left to prove? 

That I am what you need 

Still I will hold on to your heart 

Through the chaos and the dark 

When your eyes fail to see 

So what are you waiting for? 

On and on we go 

Come love take my hand 

On and on we go 

As you run away again 

On and on we go 

Back to where this all began 

Broken I was for you 

Broken I'm still for you 

My broken heart breaks for you 

Broken I'm over you 

On and on we go 

On and on we go 

On and on we go 

Come love take my hand 

On and on we go 

Time and time again 

On and on we go 

Back to where this all began 

Come love take my hand 

Come love take my hand 

Come take my hand

God was wooing me back to Him. Amazing that I would wake up that night to these lyrics that I heard for the very first time. I started sobbing. God was speaking right to me. Right into my brokenness. He was loving me through it. Reminding me He loved me. God is truly amazing. He knew what song I needed to hear that moment. He comforted me in such an amazing way.

I started going to church more consistently.  Up until that point, our family had left the ministry and had just been wandering trying to find a church home.  I was off and on about going to different churches. This went on for about three years. When the relationship ended, we started being more consistent about going to FirstEuless.  I remember the first service I went to.  I was brokenhearted.  Every message spoke to me.  One in particular. There was a presentation done during one of the song performances for the worship service.  It was about idols. Setting up other idols before God.  As I sat in the very back hidden away because I didn't want to be noticed, I cried. I cried because the realization continued. God wanted ALL of me, just like I had practically begged my ex for all of him. I didn't want to share him with anyone else. How was I supposed to feel special, if he insisted on having other people in his life?  How did Jesus feel when I insisted on having other gods in my life? He wasn't first in my life. He wasn't a priority.  I had been unfaithful and I had broken the heart of the living God. To me it just didn't make sense how I COULD AFFECT, HURT, BRUISE, & OFFEND the LIVING GOD. That God would allow Himself to be affected by us because of HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US. He truly wanted a RELATIONSHIP with me. A daily, living relationship with me. That just didn't make sense. Up until that point, it had all been a LIST OF DO's and DON'Ts. A list on how to be a good moral person. I was trusting in my own actions, and when I failed or messed up I BEAT MYSELF UP about it. I thought of how God must be angry and I saw God's love as a very conditional love. Then I remembered how I felt towards the ex when he hurt, affected, and bruised me emotionally.  I was deeply hurt, but I still LOVED HIM. I still continued in my love. God's love is like that. He's affected, hurt, bruised BUT HE STILL LOVES US REGARDLESS.  That's just SO AMAZING & incredibly healing. 

I believe I was a person that had sincerely wanted to experience what it was to have a relationship with God, but I wasn't coming from a place where I thought I needed Christ, I just knew I didn't want to go to hell, which motivates some to come to Christ, but it was more a fear of pain than a fear of God, and not a realization that I was a sinner who was desperately wicked. I was really good growing up, a goody-two-shoes, who got all the awards for being perfect, just untouchable when it came to my actions. So I never really believed I was in need of God's saving grace, so my prayers of asking Jesus into my heart and into my life wasn't genuinely because I believed I needed it. God will not save someone who doesn't think they are in need of salvation. God saves those who come with a repentant heart & a genuine desire for change and hope to be renewed and restored in their lives. "Therefore if any man be IN CHRIST, He is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold all things are become new." 2 Cor. 5:17. I was uncertain about my salvation because my fruits were darkness. I identified with depression, anger, sadness, self-pity, sorrow, hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, worry, fear, anxiety, turmoil, meanness, than I did with the fruits of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. I also identified with fear, and the Bible says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power & of love & of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.  I was reading the Bible here and there, praying when I was in distress, but I didn't know what it was to have a relationship with God. I was trusting in my own efforts which was leading to a spirit of independence & pride, and not of humility, because God wasn't recieving any of the glory, I was receiving all the glory. I wasn't trusting God for any results, I was trusting myself.

I hear of those "Christians" who proclaim to have a relationship with the Heavenly Father, but who live like the devil & there's no fruit in their life. "Wherefore by their fruits, ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20. I used to get really uncomfortable with verses like these because the fruits in my life did not show Christ. It reflected darkness. And also verses like these:  "Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but He that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 7:21. Also, "Thou believest there is one God; thou doest well, the devils also believe, and tremble." James 2:19. These verses haunted me. I said "Lord, Lord" and tried to be righteousness, when God asked that we put our faith and trust in God who makes us righteous through that action. "But to him that worketh not, but believeth on Him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Romans 4:5. I believed there was one God but had no POWER in my life. I lived defeated. I lived in a wilderness of unbelief, just like the Isrealites lived in a wilderness of unbelief. God cannot give your Promised Land to a people that do not put ALL of their hope & expectation in Him. If you have it in your father, mother, boyfriend, friend, sister, brother, boss, money, security, possessions, romance, ANY THING OTHER THAN JESUS CHRIST, you are setting it in the wrong place. IT HAS BECOME YOUR IDOL. Start with Jesus Christ. Continue in Jesus Christ. End in Jesus Christ. Your existence started with Him. If you are looking for your identity in anything else, you WILL NOT FIND IT. You will only find it in the person of Jesus Christ, your Maker, Creator, the One Who is passionately in love with you, and HE DRAWS YOU TO HIM. Through your afflictions, your pain, your brokenness. HE"S IN THAT. Because HE IS TRYING TO CALL YOUR NAME. "But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Isreal, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine." Isaiah 43:1

It's not in a prayer. It's not in your works. It's through the person of Jesus Christ. "Jesus saith unto Him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man cometh unto the Father, but by me." John 14:6. My faith began to come alive to me, when I started to put all my hope & trust in Christ. When a situation came up that I couldn't handle, I was tempted to hold unforgiveness, or I was tempted to feel alone, I began to put my hope & trust in God's promises and BELIEVE IN HIS WORD and lay every burden before Him. "Casting all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." I Peter 5:8. YOU MATTER. WHAT BOTHERS YOU MATTERS. God is true to His Word. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee, be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee, yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10. That's when Christ became alive to me. He said Himself, "For this God is our God forever; He will be our guide even unto death." Psalm 48:14. He will set you free. "God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land."Psalm 68:6. "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." Galatians 5:1

So back to the question. Why do people who were raised in Christian homes, went to church, leave everything the moment they are giving the freedom to? Because their heart is not surrendered to Christ. Your heart is not with Christ. It's elsewhere. I used to identify with the story of the prodigal son. He left everything he had that was good, and when he went out and faced the world, he came back in pieces and with a broken heart, and his father took him back with open arms. He didn't hold anything against him. The Father will do the same for you. He's drawing you back to Him. As Jefferson Bethke said, "Religion is man searching for God. Christianity is God searching for man." God used all of my pain and affliction and brokenness to draw me back to Him and realize that God is the answer to all my problems, the cure for my emptiness, and the healing balm to my wounds.

He is everything. He deserve ALL the praise & the glory. He's still working in me. "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6> It's not about me. I'm seeking Christ first. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33
It starts with Jesus. It's when you take your mess, and put your faith, expection, & hope in Him and ask God to turn around, and depend on HIM DAILY. You take it one day at a time. You rely on Him ALONE. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil & He will flee from you." James 4:7.  It's when you submit everything to God, and tell God here's my mess. I NEED YOU, because I cannot do it on my own strength anymore. "I am the vine ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do NOTHING." John 15:5

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun. 

May this story help someone through their own struggles, brokenness, darkness. #Jesus