But then there was my homelife. The secret life. The life of broken promises, hurt, anger, misery, bitterness, hopelessness. The life where there was constant turmoil between my parents. Constant anger & vicious fights. I doubted God because of that. I doubted the Bible because of that. I doubted how the Bible could play a part in "real life." It seemed like it was more pie in the sky for theologians, religious people, people who already had their lives together, had a great family, and were already happy. It didn't seem like the Bible was made for people who were hurting, who didn't have answers, who were just plain miserable, and for situations that seemed hopeless & didn't change. I saw the depression in my mother, and I knew at the time she was expecting me, she was in the depths of depression. I really believe the state the mother is in during her pregnancy is passed on to the child in her womb. I remember seeing baby pictures of myself and I saw no expression on my face, no smile, no joy. Just a blank expression. A sad, empty expression. I believe I grew up with depression. I dealt with it on an everyday basis and my misery followed me everywhere and affected all my relationships and my outlook on life. Depression is closely linked with fear. I was extremely, extremely shy which led me to be misunderstood all sorts of ways in my relationships. I was called mean, ugly, goody-two-shoes, too nice, etc. I failed in all my relationships, and I never felt validated. As a person.
I went through church rituals rote. Sunday School. Sunday morning service. Sunday night service. Wednesday service. Do it all over again every week. There were times I "gave my life to Christ" only because I was worried that if I didn't, people would start talking about how the "preacher's kid" still hadn't given her life to Christ. It was all for people. Not because I thought I needed any type of saving grace. I was a good kid. Great kid in fact. Goody-two-shoes kid. Momma's girl Kid. Teacher's pet. I did everything they wanted me to do. I did everything they asked. I willingly obeyed. Only because I saw what happened when you DIDN'T OBEY. You saw the belt come out. And, boy, I did not want that kind of pain in my life.
So I did what they asked me to do. People were my god. I lived by their approval and died by their criticism. God just didn't fulfill me. He just wasn't enough. I was even ashamed to tell people I was a Christian or to proclaim the name of Jesus, because what if they knew what really went on my heart, then how could I shame the name of Jesus so? How could I convince people to believe in a powerful God for their lives when I couldn't believe Him for mine?
I lived in a prison of negative emotions, depression, stored anger, sadness, tears that no one saw. I was dead inside. I didn't have anything alive in me. Then I met this young woman who I became really great friends with at my place of employment who talked about God like He was her Best Friend. She was the most loving, compassionate, caring person I had met. I believe God sent her into my life to show me what Christ's love looked like. She pursued a relationship with me. She said, "Tell God your problems as if you are talking to me right now." She constantly pointed me to Christ. She showed me that God was real through her testimony of answered prayer & experiencing God's voice & His presence. That was so radically different than what I understood. She was all LOVE, JOY, PEACE. The fruits of the Holy Spirit. Then. I met this guy. He pursued me. He wanted me. He cared about me. He sent me long letters proclaiming how fascinated he was with me. He loved spending time with me. He loved having me around. He liked me. He wanted to get to know everything about me. He liked me even more. He chatted DAILY with me. He expressed his desire for me. He texted me consistently, messaged me on facebook, emailed me on gmail, and we spent every single weekend together. 3 months straight. This is EVERY DAY. He filled my life everyday. And for the first time...I had an inkling of hope & a strange feeling of LOVE in my heart that I did not nor had not felt for anyone else up until that point. Not even for my family. Where I connected with someone who actually WANTED to spend time with me. Who I almost saw as a father figure. The only problem was... he didn't have Christ in his life. Well, big problem at the beginning, but I started to slip in my standards because I really liked this guy. Wait, no I think I more than liked him. Because this time, I loved talking to him. Spending time with him. Sending him long emails with "I LOVE YOU" stamped on it. Not literally, but basically. I was IN HEART with him. WOW. Somebody liked me & we connected on such a deep level (or so I thought) that I had never felt that with anybody else. But then the more I got to know him, the more I realized this handsome, attractive, charming guy also had other girls that kinda thought the same thing...and he entertained them too. BUT he constantly reassured me that it was only me he wanted, no one else. Those girls were just his friends, ya know acquaintances. But the best times he had were with me. That's what he would always tell me. Then he would say, but I'm still young & I want to sow my wild oats. Then I'll get serious about you. Right now I just want to "date." I want to get to know people. But you are the best one out of all of them. I like you "just the way you are." Then I would just get the sense that he was hiding stuff from me about other girls. But I still believed his promises. That he would love me always & forever. That he cared about me. That he missed me. That he "luved" me. Then towards the end, I found out my senses were right. He had been unfaithful. Not just emotionally. Physically too. To a virgin girl that was a HUGE deal. Especially the fact that I used to be a preacher's kid. I had been sheltered most of my life growing up. To see the worldly values of this life in my face, and no guilt or regret. Wow. The difference is obvious. The Bible is right about being unequally yoked in the end. God taught me a huge lesson in that. But what I also realized he taught me is that He revealed to me that all this time where I was hurt, broken, rejected, suffering, crying, heartache, sad, cheated on, felt like I was not enough....that's how I was making Jesus feel with my own actions in my relationship with Him. I would tell him, "Oh yes Jesus I love you" then turn around and worship people, try to find fulfillment, ignore Him, treat Him second best, pass time with Him with tv, other friends, other things, and see God every weekend at church, spend time with His people, and know that He made my life better. I didn't want Him to leave. I wanted Him in my life, but I also wanted those other gods too. I was the cheater. I was unfaithful. I broke His heart. I was playing the field. I was seeing what else was out there. I wanted to sow my wild oats before I settled down to a life of commitment to Jesus. I didn't want to be tied down to church, to the Bible, to the boring stuff that I was so used to. I wanted to have fun too. I was the one worshiping other idols before Him. I remember there was one night that was particularly hard for me. Before I found out about his unfaithfulness, my ex had given me a very expensive ipod as a Christmas gift. I never once was that type of girl to need music to be able to sleep. But since it all ended, I could not sleep without it. This one night, I was crying. I asked Jesus to help me go to sleep. I asked Him to embrace & hold me that night. I fell asleep very quickly & I felt very comforted that night. I woke up out of the blue that night. This song started playing from the very beginning. I woke up for the beginning of this song. This is what the lyrics said by Tenth Avenue North, a music ministry dedicated to proclaiming Jesus.
Love, I have waited for you
And love, I was wounded for you
Won't you look into my eyes
Through the pain and through your pride
And find I am true
You're the one I can't deny
And I'll never leave your side
I gave my life for you
So what are you waiting for?
On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
Time and time again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began
Come love take my hand
Life is waiting for you
And life I have given to you
Tell me what else can I do
What more have I left to prove?
That I am what you need
Still I will hold on to your heart
Through the chaos and the dark
When your eyes fail to see
So what are you waiting for?
On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
As you run away again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began
Broken I was for you
Broken I'm still for you
My broken heart breaks for you
Broken I'm over you
On and on we go
On and on we go
On and on we go
Come love take my hand
On and on we go
Time and time again
On and on we go
Back to where this all began
Come love take my hand
Come love take my hand
Come take my hand
God was wooing me back to Him. Amazing that I would wake up that night to these lyrics that I heard for the very first time. I started sobbing. God was speaking right to me. Right into my brokenness. He was loving me through it. Reminding me He loved me. God is truly amazing. He knew what song I needed to hear that moment. He comforted me in such an amazing way.
I started going to church more consistently. Up until that point, our family had left the ministry and had just been wandering trying to find a church home. I was off and on about going to different churches. This went on for about three years. When the relationship ended, we started being more consistent about going to FirstEuless. I remember the first service I went to. I was brokenhearted. Every message spoke to me. One in particular. There was a presentation done during one of the song performances for the worship service. It was about idols. Setting up other idols before God. As I sat in the very back hidden away because I didn't want to be noticed, I cried. I cried because the realization continued. God wanted ALL of me, just like I had practically begged my ex for all of him. I didn't want to share him with anyone else. How was I supposed to feel special, if he insisted on having other people in his life? How did Jesus feel when I insisted on having other gods in my life? He wasn't first in my life. He wasn't a priority. I had been unfaithful and I had broken the heart of the living God. To me it just didn't make sense how I COULD AFFECT, HURT, BRUISE, & OFFEND the LIVING GOD. That God would allow Himself to be affected by us because of HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US. He truly wanted a RELATIONSHIP with me. A daily, living relationship with me. That just didn't make sense. Up until that point, it had all been a LIST OF DO's and DON'Ts. A list on how to be a good moral person. I was trusting in my own actions, and when I failed or messed up I BEAT MYSELF UP about it. I thought of how God must be angry and I saw God's love as a very conditional love. Then I remembered how I felt towards the ex when he hurt, affected, and bruised me emotionally. I was deeply hurt, but I still LOVED HIM. I still continued in my love. God's love is like that. He's affected, hurt, bruised BUT HE STILL LOVES US REGARDLESS. That's just SO AMAZING & incredibly healing.
I believe I was a person that had sincerely wanted to experience what it was to have a relationship with God, but I wasn't coming from a place where I thought I needed Christ, I just knew I didn't want to go to hell, which motivates some to come to Christ, but it was more a fear of pain than a fear of God, and not a realization that I was a sinner who was desperately wicked. I was really good growing up, a goody-two-shoes, who got all the awards for being perfect, just untouchable when it came to my actions. So I never really believed I was in need of God's saving grace, so my prayers of asking Jesus into my heart and into my life wasn't genuinely because I believed I needed it. God will not save someone who doesn't think they are in need of salvation. God saves those who come with a repentant heart & a genuine desire for change and hope to be renewed and restored in their lives. "Therefore if any man be IN CHRIST, He is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold all things are become new." 2 Cor. 5:17. I was uncertain about my salvation because my fruits were darkness. I identified with depression, anger, sadness, self-pity, sorrow, hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, worry, fear, anxiety, turmoil, meanness, than I did with the fruits of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. I also identified with fear, and the Bible says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power & of love & of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. I was reading the Bible here and there, praying when I was in distress, but I didn't know what it was to have a relationship with God. I was trusting in my own efforts which was leading to a spirit of independence & pride, and not of humility, because God wasn't recieving any of the glory, I was receiving all the glory. I wasn't trusting God for any results, I was trusting myself.
I hear of those "Christians" who proclaim to have a relationship with the Heavenly Father, but who live like the devil & there's no fruit in their life. "Wherefore by their fruits, ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20. I used to get really uncomfortable with verses like these because the fruits in my life did not show Christ. It reflected darkness. And also verses like these: "Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but He that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 7:21. Also, "Thou believest there is one God; thou doest well, the devils also believe, and tremble." James 2:19. These verses haunted me. I said "Lord, Lord" and tried to be righteousness, when God asked that we put our faith and trust in God who makes us righteous through that action. "But to him that worketh not, but believeth on Him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Romans 4:5. I believed there was one God but had no POWER in my life. I lived defeated. I lived in a wilderness of unbelief, just like the Isrealites lived in a wilderness of unbelief. God cannot give your Promised Land to a people that do not put ALL of their hope & expectation in Him. If you have it in your father, mother, boyfriend, friend, sister, brother, boss, money, security, possessions, romance, ANY THING OTHER THAN JESUS CHRIST, you are setting it in the wrong place. IT HAS BECOME YOUR IDOL. Start with Jesus Christ. Continue in Jesus Christ. End in Jesus Christ. Your existence started with Him. If you are looking for your identity in anything else, you WILL NOT FIND IT. You will only find it in the person of Jesus Christ, your Maker, Creator, the One Who is passionately in love with you, and HE DRAWS YOU TO HIM. Through your afflictions, your pain, your brokenness. HE"S IN THAT. Because HE IS TRYING TO CALL YOUR NAME. "But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Isreal, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine." Isaiah 43:1
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It's not in a prayer. It's not in your works. It's through the person of Jesus Christ. "Jesus saith unto Him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man cometh unto the Father, but by me." John 14:6. My faith began to come alive to me, when I started to put all my hope & trust in Christ. When a situation came up that I couldn't handle, I was tempted to hold unforgiveness, or I was tempted to feel alone, I began to put my hope & trust in God's promises and BELIEVE IN HIS WORD and lay every burden before Him. "Casting all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." I Peter 5:8. YOU MATTER. WHAT BOTHERS YOU MATTERS. God is true to His Word. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee, be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee, yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10. That's when Christ became alive to me. He said Himself, "For this God is our God forever; He will be our guide even unto death." Psalm 48:14. He will set you free. "God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land."Psalm 68:6. "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." Galatians 5:1
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So back to the question. Why do people who were raised in Christian homes, went to church, leave everything the moment they are giving the freedom to? Because their heart is not surrendered to Christ. Your heart is not with Christ. It's elsewhere. I used to identify with the story of the prodigal son. He left everything he had that was good, and when he went out and faced the world, he came back in pieces and with a broken heart, and his father took him back with open arms. He didn't hold anything against him. The Father will do the same for you. He's drawing you back to Him. As Jefferson Bethke said, "Religion is man searching for God. Christianity is God searching for man." God used all of my pain and affliction and brokenness to draw me back to Him and realize that God is the answer to all my problems, the cure for my emptiness, and the healing balm to my wounds.
He is everything. He deserve ALL the praise & the glory. He's still working in me. "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6> It's not about me. I'm seeking Christ first. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33
It starts with Jesus. It's when you take your mess, and put your faith, expection, & hope in Him and ask God to turn around, and depend on HIM DAILY. You take it one day at a time. You rely on Him ALONE. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil & He will flee from you." James 4:7. It's when you submit everything to God, and tell God here's my mess. I NEED YOU, because I cannot do it on my own strength anymore. "I am the vine ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do NOTHING." John 15:5
May this story help someone through their own struggles, brokenness, darkness. #Jesus
I started going to church more consistently. Up until that point, our family had left the ministry and had just been wandering trying to find a church home. I was off and on about going to different churches. This went on for about three years. When the relationship ended, we started being more consistent about going to FirstEuless. I remember the first service I went to. I was brokenhearted. Every message spoke to me. One in particular. There was a presentation done during one of the song performances for the worship service. It was about idols. Setting up other idols before God. As I sat in the very back hidden away because I didn't want to be noticed, I cried. I cried because the realization continued. God wanted ALL of me, just like I had practically begged my ex for all of him. I didn't want to share him with anyone else. How was I supposed to feel special, if he insisted on having other people in his life? How did Jesus feel when I insisted on having other gods in my life? He wasn't first in my life. He wasn't a priority. I had been unfaithful and I had broken the heart of the living God. To me it just didn't make sense how I COULD AFFECT, HURT, BRUISE, & OFFEND the LIVING GOD. That God would allow Himself to be affected by us because of HIS GREAT LOVE FOR US. He truly wanted a RELATIONSHIP with me. A daily, living relationship with me. That just didn't make sense. Up until that point, it had all been a LIST OF DO's and DON'Ts. A list on how to be a good moral person. I was trusting in my own actions, and when I failed or messed up I BEAT MYSELF UP about it. I thought of how God must be angry and I saw God's love as a very conditional love. Then I remembered how I felt towards the ex when he hurt, affected, and bruised me emotionally. I was deeply hurt, but I still LOVED HIM. I still continued in my love. God's love is like that. He's affected, hurt, bruised BUT HE STILL LOVES US REGARDLESS. That's just SO AMAZING & incredibly healing.
I believe I was a person that had sincerely wanted to experience what it was to have a relationship with God, but I wasn't coming from a place where I thought I needed Christ, I just knew I didn't want to go to hell, which motivates some to come to Christ, but it was more a fear of pain than a fear of God, and not a realization that I was a sinner who was desperately wicked. I was really good growing up, a goody-two-shoes, who got all the awards for being perfect, just untouchable when it came to my actions. So I never really believed I was in need of God's saving grace, so my prayers of asking Jesus into my heart and into my life wasn't genuinely because I believed I needed it. God will not save someone who doesn't think they are in need of salvation. God saves those who come with a repentant heart & a genuine desire for change and hope to be renewed and restored in their lives. "Therefore if any man be IN CHRIST, He is a new creature; old things are passed away, behold all things are become new." 2 Cor. 5:17. I was uncertain about my salvation because my fruits were darkness. I identified with depression, anger, sadness, self-pity, sorrow, hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, worry, fear, anxiety, turmoil, meanness, than I did with the fruits of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. I also identified with fear, and the Bible says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power & of love & of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. I was reading the Bible here and there, praying when I was in distress, but I didn't know what it was to have a relationship with God. I was trusting in my own efforts which was leading to a spirit of independence & pride, and not of humility, because God wasn't recieving any of the glory, I was receiving all the glory. I wasn't trusting God for any results, I was trusting myself.
I hear of those "Christians" who proclaim to have a relationship with the Heavenly Father, but who live like the devil & there's no fruit in their life. "Wherefore by their fruits, ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20. I used to get really uncomfortable with verses like these because the fruits in my life did not show Christ. It reflected darkness. And also verses like these: "Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but He that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 7:21. Also, "Thou believest there is one God; thou doest well, the devils also believe, and tremble." James 2:19. These verses haunted me. I said "Lord, Lord" and tried to be righteousness, when God asked that we put our faith and trust in God who makes us righteous through that action. "But to him that worketh not, but believeth on Him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness." Romans 4:5. I believed there was one God but had no POWER in my life. I lived defeated. I lived in a wilderness of unbelief, just like the Isrealites lived in a wilderness of unbelief. God cannot give your Promised Land to a people that do not put ALL of their hope & expectation in Him. If you have it in your father, mother, boyfriend, friend, sister, brother, boss, money, security, possessions, romance, ANY THING OTHER THAN JESUS CHRIST, you are setting it in the wrong place. IT HAS BECOME YOUR IDOL. Start with Jesus Christ. Continue in Jesus Christ. End in Jesus Christ. Your existence started with Him. If you are looking for your identity in anything else, you WILL NOT FIND IT. You will only find it in the person of Jesus Christ, your Maker, Creator, the One Who is passionately in love with you, and HE DRAWS YOU TO HIM. Through your afflictions, your pain, your brokenness. HE"S IN THAT. Because HE IS TRYING TO CALL YOUR NAME. "But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Isreal, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine." Isaiah 43:1
It's not in a prayer. It's not in your works. It's through the person of Jesus Christ. "Jesus saith unto Him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man cometh unto the Father, but by me." John 14:6. My faith began to come alive to me, when I started to put all my hope & trust in Christ. When a situation came up that I couldn't handle, I was tempted to hold unforgiveness, or I was tempted to feel alone, I began to put my hope & trust in God's promises and BELIEVE IN HIS WORD and lay every burden before Him. "Casting all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." I Peter 5:8. YOU MATTER. WHAT BOTHERS YOU MATTERS. God is true to His Word. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee, be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee, yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10. That's when Christ became alive to me. He said Himself, "For this God is our God forever; He will be our guide even unto death." Psalm 48:14. He will set you free. "God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land."Psalm 68:6. "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." Galatians 5:1
So back to the question. Why do people who were raised in Christian homes, went to church, leave everything the moment they are giving the freedom to? Because their heart is not surrendered to Christ. Your heart is not with Christ. It's elsewhere. I used to identify with the story of the prodigal son. He left everything he had that was good, and when he went out and faced the world, he came back in pieces and with a broken heart, and his father took him back with open arms. He didn't hold anything against him. The Father will do the same for you. He's drawing you back to Him. As Jefferson Bethke said, "Religion is man searching for God. Christianity is God searching for man." God used all of my pain and affliction and brokenness to draw me back to Him and realize that God is the answer to all my problems, the cure for my emptiness, and the healing balm to my wounds.
He is everything. He deserve ALL the praise & the glory. He's still working in me. "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6> It's not about me. I'm seeking Christ first. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33
It starts with Jesus. It's when you take your mess, and put your faith, expection, & hope in Him and ask God to turn around, and depend on HIM DAILY. You take it one day at a time. You rely on Him ALONE. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil & He will flee from you." James 4:7. It's when you submit everything to God, and tell God here's my mess. I NEED YOU, because I cannot do it on my own strength anymore. "I am the vine ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do NOTHING." John 15:5
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
May this story help someone through their own struggles, brokenness, darkness. #Jesus
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