The girl with the rose. She reminds me of me. In my testimony I mentioned that I grew up with depression, and I struggled with it constantly all the while growing up in a Christian home with Christian values. So why was I not delivered from it? Why did I constantly live with it? Because my hope was not in Christ. It was lost in the darkness of my home. I cannot tell you how many countless psychological books I read that told you how to overcome it. NOT ONE BOOK SAVED ME FROM IT. Why? BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WAS THE ANSWER.  So why is it that the Bible did not save me from it if I read here & there & supposedly it can change lives? Because my heart wasn't in it. I was checking it off my to-do list, and it was purely KNOWLEDGE. It fed my pride of how much I knew, and how many Scriptures I was able to quote.
"Pure religion & undefiled before the Father & God is this, To visit the fatherless & widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27. The Bible isn't so you can increase in your knowledge. It's supposed to be to help those who are HURTING. Who are STRUGGLING. Who NEED HOPE.  So people can SEE LOVE which is what is missing in today's world. WE NEED FAITH, HOPE, & CHARITY. "...But the greatest of these is CHARITY. I Corinthians 13:13. Why is charity the greatest out of all of these? Because it takes great FAITH & HOPE in Christ to love people who are HARD TO LOVE. Matthew 5:43-48 "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you LOVE YOUR ENEMIES, BLESS THEM THAT CURSE YOU, DO GOOD to them that HATE YOU, and PRAY FOR THEM WHICH DESPITEFULLY USE YOU and PERSECUTE YOU; That ye may be the children of the Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil & the good, and sendeth rain on the just & the unjust." Why does it take great faith to love?  Hmm. Try loving a person that got under your skin. Or said some things behind your back that were unkind. Or that just plain ignores you, makes fun of you, mocks you, belittles you, and curses you, your future, and your plans. Try loving that person in your own power. Ya. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  The reason we love is because of God's GREAT LOVE FOR US. Because He loved us when WE TREATED HIM THAT WAY. "But God commendeth His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8. Remember how you were to God in your own sins towards Him. If you want Him to forgive as quickly and as easily as He forgave you, FORGIVE> "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." Mark 11:25. If God blotted out our sins because of His Son, "I have blotted out as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud thy sins: return unto me: for I have redeemed thee." Isaiah 44:22, then who are we to hold anything against anyone? We're hoping & trusting that God will handle the situation and the person that hurt us. It is not in our hands to handle or control. The greatest test of your faith is in how you love. It is not easy to pray for a person who offended you, hurt you, constantly said unkind things to you. NOT EASY.  Romans 12:19, "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written: Vengeance is mine, I will repay saith the Lord." As you began to pray for them, God can begin to do the work in your heart that He wants to do. "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh." Ezekial 36:26.

You have to LET GOOOO & LET GOD.  Because..."blessed is the man that FEARETH THE LORD that DELIGHTETH GREATLY in HIS COMMANDMENTS." Psalm 112:1b One of His commandments is to FORGIVE. Everything happens for a reason. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. If God has promised good to you, HE HAS ALLOWED that evil for a purpose. It might even be a test. May we pass it with flying colors. "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse tempations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect & entire, wanting nothing." James 1:2-4. Are you trusting that God is using that difficult circumstance, person, or situation for YOUR GOOD? He might even be teaching you how to LOVE LIKE HE DOES. Goodness knows, I wonder how God continue to love someone like me with so many insecurities, and so many hidden issues I've had to work through. GOD IS AMAZING. He might even be using all of that to keep your eyes on HIM. "Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2. You are supposed to look to the ONE that walked on water. Sometimes I am like Peter. "And Peter answered Him, and said, "Lord if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And He said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when He saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, He cried, Lord save me. And IMMEDIATELY Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught him, and said unto Him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Matthew 14:28-31. How many times do we take our timid little steps of faith to love, forgive, believe, trust & then we look around us and we allow the GIANTS & FEAR, RESENTMENT, BITTERNESS to overcome us?

So what does forgiveness have to do with depression? Because depression was really just a LOT OF STORED ANGER in my heart towards my mom. The secret life we had. IT WAS ANGER AT GOD. How could a God that was good have ALLOWED ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR FAMILY? WHY???  It was resentment, bitterness. We had given our lives in service to God, and this was the payback we had gotten???!!! Why? Where was the power of God in that? Where was the redemption, forgiveness, love, and peace that the Bible talks about not displayed in our family?? The depression was already there also, because those emotions and feelings were in my mom's heart already during the time she was expecting me. It was really two broken people in a marriage that needed God's love to heal & restore our family. Hurt people HURT PEOPLE. That's just the vicious cycle in life. It's not until we recieve the mercy & love of God's grace. Because my mother was not able to love because she came from a broken place in her life due to a miserable marriage & lonely childhood (unfortunately) she hurt me too. She didn't want a relationship with me. She lashed out at me. I understood why, but it still did not keep me from hating her at times. I couldn't seem to forgive. I couldn't seem to let go. She cursed my future. But not because she hated me. She just had a hard time loving. She was a hurt person too. I know I've hurt people out of my own pain. Not because I intentionally chose to do so, but because I was too broken to love. I'm amazed at how she was able to raise us with the emotional toll of her marriage on her shoulders. Only God knows why He allowed that in my life. I know it's because in the end, JESUS IS THE ANSWER. God can take your ashes for BEAUTY. "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called tress of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3. Believe me, this is not a story I want to tell. It is something I'd rather hide. But He has been healing me slowly but surely and if this can help someone else through their own misery, I hope God can use it. I have chosen to forgive my mother, and know that God will bless me for it because His Word has promised to. "Blessed are they that keep His testimonies, and that SEEK HIM WITH THE WHOLE HEART." Psalm 119:2 "I know, O Lord, that thy judgements are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me." Psalm 119:75. David wrote this verse inspired by God. The man who was pursued by SAUL. David did not do anything wrong, and yet he spent most of his time fleeing from Saul, and being afflicted by Saul. And yet when Saul died, "Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him: and they mourned, and wept, and fastened until even, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the Lord, and for the house of Israel; because they were fallen by the sword." 2 Samuel 1:11-12. David was called a man after God's own heart. He chose to forgive the man that had spent most of his time pursuing after David to kill him out of his own jealousy and because he was threatened by David. "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalms 34:18. David knew what it was to be broken, to be hurt. And yet he still chose to mourn over the man that thought nothing but evil towards him. 

So I went to every shrink. Every book that told me the psychologist had the answer. I pulled out every book I could and yet I didn't find the solution, the answer. The Bible had no power over me. But then I decided to the 90 day reading plan and read the Bible STRAIGHT THROUGH. Without pulling out commentaries, other books to accompany it. I just simply read my "Life Application" Bible as a love letter. When you get that email, text, letter from that person you really care about, you devour it. You don't analyze it, set it aside and wait to read it later. You pull it out with excitement and joy and you just DEVOUR IT!!! ;) 

When You Read the Bible Through

I supposed I knew my Bible,

Reading piecemeal, hit or miss, 

Now a bit of John or Matthew, 

Now a snatch of Genesis, Certain chapter of Isaiah,

Certain Psalm (the twenty-third),

Twelfth of Romans, First of Proverbs - 

Yes, I thought I knew the Word!

But I find that thorough reading

Was a different thing to do

And the way was unfamiliar

When I read the Bible through.

You who like to play at Bible, 

Dip and dabble, here and there, 

Just before you kneel, aweary,

And yawn through hurried prayer;

You who treat the Crown of Writings - 

Just a paragraph disjointed,

Just a crude, impatient look - 

Try a worthier procedure; 

Try a broad and stead view. 

You will kneel in VERY RAPTURE

WHEN YOU READ THE BIBLE THROUGH.

Amos Wells

When I started to read the Bible through the story of God's REDEMPTION, GRACE, GREAT MERCY & LOVE TOWARDS US began to jump out at me in every story. That was the main theme. Everything pointed to God. God was ALL POWERFUL. HE WAS ABLE! THE GOD WHO TOOK THE ISREALITES THROUGH THE RED SEA WOULD CARRY ME THROUGH TOO!!! He used what was an obstacle as WALLS, HE USED IT FOR THEM!! God can use what is against me too!!!! I began to read it and write all over my Bible, flag the pages that I wanted to remember and seems like almost every page has a flag on it!!!!!! God used every single story, every single event. WOW. READ THE BIBLE THROUGH AND DEVOUR IT AND SEE WHAT IT WILL DO FOR YOU.

I read it through and I began to get a strange inkling of HOPE in my heart again. I started reading the Bible consistently, and started praying & begging God to get me out of my pit. When I would describe my depression to my friends, I would give them an analogy of how it felt. It felt like I was in a very deep well, a black pit. Everyone at the top of the well, is looking down on you, giving you advice and instructions on how to get out, how to change your perspective, and some even reach down and try to help you out, but their strength isn't enough and either they give up or eventually they get pulled down with you. You try to climb out of that pit and you cannot. You do not have the strength, because then Satan's lies start to creep in. "You aren't good enough. You don't have the strength to get out. You don't deserve to get out. You deserve this pit your in. It's your own fault. Just give up. Your taking up space. Nobody wants you. See? They are all giving up on you." Then I remember seeing a quote by Corrie Ten Boom, "There is no pit so deep, that GOD IS NOT DEEPER STILL." Whew. How true that is. So I turned to God. The Bible. And I found out how true that is.

Like Hugo Cabret said in the Hugo movie: "Everything has a purpose, clocks tell you the time, trains takes you to places. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

Maybe a secular standpoint, but he was close. God made you. He knows how humans work. He made you exactly as you are today. "I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:14. God made you. He knows how to fix what's broken in you. He knows how to make you whole again. 

One Sunday morning, after staying in God's Word consistently, I woke up without the alarm, which if you know me, you know I have three alarm clocks sitting in various places in my room, because I'll just hit the snooze button several times or roll over & ignore it until somebody gets mad. (The person in the next room) :). That JUST NEVER HAPPENS RANDOMLY. I was impressed to get up & pray. Pray over my depression. Pray that God would free from it. That God would deliver me from it. That God would speak DIRECTLY TO ME in the message that would be presented that morning. AND HE DID. BOY HE DID.

Bro. Marlon Mosley preached over Genesis 21:9. His title was "What Aileth Thee?" The following is what I wrote in my sermon journal:

"Hagar was a victim - She had been a loyal handmaiden and did not ask to be the bearer of Abraham's child. Things didn't look too well - she doesn't know what to do or where she's going after he sends her out of the house. So she sat down & cried. Circumstances are worse than before. Have you been there? God showed up at that time and said, "What's wrong with you, woman?" She was the innocent victim. He could see her situation but He also saw what she needed to see. Hagar had a witness of Abraham. She had been with them 15-16 years. She was in the house of the faithful, a champion for God. She had the benefit of being in that house. She knew what obeying in God & what trusting in God could do for her. We don't have an excuse to sit down and cry because we have a God Who has been faithful to take care of their needs. Hagar had a witness, she had seen that. Not only that, but shew knew about Abraham's God from what she had seen. Genesis 16:6-11. Here's Hagar, she ran off - He said, "Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence comest thou?" She had the promise of God to go on. So do you & I. You don't have to go on hearsay - you can go to the Word of God - we have the promise of God - we can trust in it. We say we believe it, then why are you sitting over there crying? You know you can trust it.

Hagar had the promise of God her son was gonna be a man. Her problem is not with God, but it was her own will. He has given a promise - we cry and choose to forget the promises of God. We have the Word of God. Am I willing to believe what He has spoken to me or am I gonna sit there moaning & crying about my troubles?

You can go over & cry or YOU CAN TRUST GOD.

God showed up for Hagar. "What aileth thee?"

You want to sit there and cry and say it looks hopeless - God told Hagar and said, "Get up I'm gonna make him a great nation." (her son)

She got up - God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.

The hassle is NOT WITH GOD it is with your will.

Just as God had a well for Hagar, He has a well for you.

If she had not believed God, she would have not seen the well.

Sometimes you have to get up and look for the well. The well had been there the whole time but she hadn't seen it.

When your discouraged, depressed, you walk DEFEATED. She's tired, he's tired (son), "Man what are we gonna do?"

We miss those things BECAUSE WE ARE NOT LOOKING FOR IT.

God's got more than one well. He cares just as much for you as HE DOES FOR HAGAR.

He can take care of you, He can provide for you. The well may be a well with limited cash resources BUT God will take care of you. It may provide for your physical needs. He's got a well for you, and it will never run dry. God wants to supply your need. Our problem with us is we never see anything but our problems.

There's a God in Heaven, and I believe He's got a way - I believe He cares about you too. Get UP AND START LOOKING FOR THE WELL.

You check it out - Hagar didn't offer God any prayer when she left the house.

She just went - everything ran out - she sat down & cried - WHY DON'T YOU PRAY THEN?

"I'm going through a difficult time." LOOK FOR THE WELL. Are you lost without Jesus Christ? Can I point you in the direction of the Saviour? He died for us - there's a well of forgiveness, and a crimson fountain.

Christian - you are hurting, you've been wounded, I've lost my last friend, nobody cares. Disappointed, disillusioned, desperate. Quit crying, come to Him. "What's wrong with you?" GET UP. THERE'S HELP AVAILABLE."

Coincidence you say? I THINK NOT. There is no such think as coincidence in God's Kingdom. He has perfect timing. God knows every tear you cry. "Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" Psalm 56:8

I went up to the altar knowing GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYER. He delivered me from the dark depths of depression through that sermon. Because I realized God had heard my prayer. He knew what I was going through. I was not alone. God can and will do the same for you. Praise Jesus! As Isaiah said in Chapter 61:1, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty unto the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;"

Turn it over to Him. That is the only way you can be healed. He knows how to fix your brokenheart. Nothing and nobody else will be able to do that. #Jesus